Why after all these years?

So for those of you who don't know me as well others, in August of last year we found out my biological father has cancer. I haven't had much to do with him my whole life. I always tell Casey, "he's not a bad man, he was just not meant to be a dad". He's a very nice, personable guy, he tried sometimes and then I wouldn't hear from him for a couple of months or even years. My mom always says " the best part about David being your dad, is that you got your Uncle Jerry and Aunt Care out of it" which is true! I love those two people with all my heart, they have always been there for me!

Well in April of this year we got a phone call from my dad's wife saying that the cancer had spread into his stomach and that they found lesions on his brain, at that point they had only found 1. We drove up to see him two weeks later, because I knew if I didn't see him before he died I would be kicking myself in the butt for the rest of my life. When we got there, they had found two more lesions in his brain. Now, I didn't think all this would be as hard for me as it has been. I'm not sure if it's the pregnancy hormones or what, but I'm having a really hard time dealing with all this. Here is a man whose blood runs through me, but didn't raise me. Gave me a great family to grow up with, but wasn't there himself. Tells me he loves me every time I talk to or see him, but just didn't have it in him to be my dad.
And now he's dying, and I'm all torn up about it! I feel like a poser, like why should I feel this upset about a man I hardly knew?
But I guess my answer is, I knew he loved me, that's why he let another man raise me the way he knew I should be raised. He didn't put up a fight when I was 15 and wanted to take my step dad's last name, like I said before, not a bad man, just not a good dad. I think I'm having a hard time also, knowing what this is doing to my Uncle Jerry, we lost my grandpa about about 11 years ago to cancer also, and now his brother is dying from the same thing. It breaks my heart to know how much this is hurting him.

I'm sorry I'm rambling, but I got a phone call this morning from my Uncle Jerry, who is with my dad now, and it looks like he has less than a week left. He is on Oxycontin three times a day, morphine twice a day, hasn't eaten in 5 days and can't talk. He is in and out of it most of the day (but that's to be expected with the drugs), doesn't know who's there most of the time. I am so grateful that my Uncle is there with him, I also found out that my Uncle Tom from Texas made it out yesterday so he is there also. Which makes me feel a lot better, because the last time I talked to my dad he wanted to be able to see him before he went. So that is good, I feel bad that we won't make it up to see him before he passes, but I am so grateful that I went when I had the chance. Kylee got to see him, and Casey got to meet him also.

I guess I just needed to get this all off my chest, sometimes writing helps more than talking does. All I can do now is pray that he won't be in that much pain any longer and that my family has the strength to deal with him passing when he does.